Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
