Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
