i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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