Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
