I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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