clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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