Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
