I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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