She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
