dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Randomize
