i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
