Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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