the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I would fuck him just for his dog
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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