there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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