Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
