I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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