i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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