he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
