she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
