TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
