we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
