I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
