I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
