hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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