wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
