Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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