I'm pants shitting drunk right now
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
