Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
3pm strippers are depressing
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
