fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
