I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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