You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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