I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
