I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
