she woke up with a sticky ear
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
