Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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