my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
