i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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