ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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