No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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