Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
