The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
