I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
