drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
