What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
