sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
