I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
