Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
