Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
And then he peed in my hair
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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