i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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