Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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