Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just gift wrapped bread.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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