Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize