you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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