You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am one with the molecules
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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