shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
