You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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