So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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