dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I love you. Go after that dick
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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