he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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