when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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