i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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