I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
