We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
