i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
