Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Text me some of your sweat
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